Cheaters & Broken Hearts
Support for those affected by infidelity...
Infidelity and Domestic Violence
Domestic violence and infidelity are not always linked, but it is not uncommon. This is probably because cheating and domestic violence both involve a lack of respect for women, and an inability (or unwillingness) to control one's own actions. The types of personalities that it takes for men to behave this way are very similar, if not the same.
Lack of self-control is a key component in domestic violence. While some men feel entitled to treat women any way they choose, including battering them, most men know that their behavior is unacceptable, to say the least. They deny allegations of abuse, and try to hide their behavior from friends and family.
The same is usually true about cheaters. Some men might feel as if there is nothing wrong with cheating, but most know better, and even feel bad about the effects of their infidelity on their spouses/partners--yet, they still do it.
Men who are guilty of domestic violence are more than just disrespectful of women, however. They are usually misogynists (men who hate women). They despise their need to have the love and companionship of a woman, and one of the ways they try to cope with those feelings is that they have different lovers in order to keep from getting too close to one. It helps him to keep a sense of distance between himself and his spouse/partner.
Domestic violence not only manifests itself physically. Emotional and sexual abuse can also be violent and sometimes more painful than being battered. Cheating is one of the ways a man can hurt a woman, and degrade her, making her feel less important to him than she really is. His thinking is that in allowing her to know that he is desired by other women, it will make her hold onto him. It sounds crazy because it is, but amazingly enough, many times it works.
Abusers, as well as cheaters, have a tendency to blame their victims. After breaking a woman's nose, her husband might say, "You know I don't want to hurt you! Why do you make me do this to you?" Cheaters justify their actions in their own minds, too. It's not uncommon for a cheater to say something like, "You don't want to give me what I want when I want it, so how can you blame me for getting it somewhere else?"
There is no way to tip-toe around the fact that this is a very dysfunctional type of relationship. Whether you're being battered or not, if your spouse/partner doesn't care enough about you to treat you with respect, you need to get help. If you can't afford a psychiatrist, call your local Mental Health Center. If you can't afford treatment, and you qualify, they will treat you on a sliding scale. And I'm not suggesting that you need to be medicated--to the contrary. I'm just saying that if you are in an abusive, or otherwise dysfunctional relationship, there are reasons. It's not an accident, and you need to find out what is going on with you that caused you to become involved with the kind of person who would treat you this way.
If nothing else, your self-esteem is very low. Speaking with a licensed therapist can be extremely helpful in getting you to realize your own potential, and the fact that you do not deserve to be battered or abused in any way. You also do not deserve to have someone cheat on you. No matter what your flaws, mistakes, or other excuses he might dream up, you deserve better. Getting some therapy can help you to respect yourself enough to do whatever is necessary to make life better for yourself and your children.
Life is too short. Don't allow yourself to be beaten down either physically, mentally, or otherwise by someone you think loves you. We all want to be loved, but regardless of what he says, any man who would abuse you or cheat on you doesn't really love you. The way I see it is, "If that's love, I don't want any part of it!"
You might be thinking, You don't know what you're talking about. You've never been where I am. But you're wrong. I've been slapped. I've been punched. I've been strangled. I've been kicked. I've had thick bunches of my hair pulled out. I've been shaken. I've been thrown to the floor. I've been raped. I've been called stupid and fat, and just about every kind of bitch and slut you can imagine. And I've been cheated on. It all hurts equally. And it takes a lot of strength to get away, but with help, you can do it. I might not have ever had the strength to get away from the men who abused me if it weren't for getting some therapy.
The men who abuse you and cheat on you will try to make you think you deserve the way they treat you, and that no one would ever treat you any better, because you're unworthy. Don't believe their lies! I stayed with one guy because I thought that if I left him, I'd just find another guy like him. But that was many years ago, and now I'm married to a man who loves me and says he wouldn't ever hit me. That can happen for you, too, but not as long as you stay with your abuser. Do whatever it takes to get away from him. Tell your family and friends. Call the Mental Health Center. Find a support group. You can do it. And you WILL do it because you deserve better!
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