Cheaters & Broken Hearts
Support for those affected by infidelity...
First of all I'd like to say that, as we all know, cheating is wrong, no matter what the reasons. With that being said, I'll also say that there are certain circumstances which almost justify cheating, though not quite. As you might imagine, I was in one of those circumstances.
I was in an abusive relationship for seven years with a man who was a drug addict/alcoholic . I tried and tried to get away from him, but he just wouldn't let me go. He kept tricking me into believing things would be different, and especially when you're young, you really want to believe what they say, and you're not jaded enough to know better.
I cheated on him when we were living together, then a couple of times when we were married, but every time I did it, I was looking and hoping for a way out of the misery. I didn't intend to stay with him. Even so, I was wracked with guilt, and was terrified that he would find out. Even though he hurt me physically, emotionally, and in every other way imaginable, I still didn't want to hurt him that way. That's amazing when you consider the fact that he cheated on me the whole time we were together!
It was exciting to be with someone else, but not because I was cheating--just because finding someone new that you really like and/or care for, and have a strong chemistry with, is a very exciting thing. The cheating part made me feel sick, nervous, and dirty (and not in a good way!). I was miserable in that situation, I had no self-esteem, and I was hoping for a way out so I could find a better life.
Finally, I was able to do that, but I'll admit that the encouragement and support of another man did help me gain the courage to leave that nightmare. I know it was wrong, and I do wish I had handled things differently, but I did what I had to do at the time.
The following is a compilation of remarks and points of view that I've heard from different men over the years regarding their cheating...
- "I love my wife, and I'll never leave her, but I'm just looking for some fun on the side."
- "I don't love my wife, but I love my kids, and I can't leave them, but I need some female attention."
- "Gettin' some 'strange' is such a rush."
- "You start feeling like you're not a man...like what makes you attractive is gone, and then a good-looking woman gives you some attention, and you just can't resist it."
- "I never meant to get involved with anyone else, but we met and became friends, and it just snow-balled from there. I fell for her, and I just couldn't resist her."
- "I was just thinking of what I wanted. I didn't allow myself to consider what was best for anyone else."
- "I'm trying to get my finances in order so I can get out and start a new life. In the mean time, I shouldn't have to be lonely."
- "We got married so young, I never really got a chance to sew my wild oats, so that's what I'm doing now."
- "She cheated on me before we got married, so I figure it's my turn now."
- "She won't give me what I want and need at home, so why shouldn't I get it somewhere else?"
- "I'm not a bad guy. I'm not looking for a way out of my marriage. I'm just really bored."
- "My wife is just not into sex as much as I am. Her drive is really low, and I need it way more than she does."
- "My wife doesn't like to do the kinds of things I like. She thinks I'm a freak, and I don't want to try to make her do something she doesn't want to do, so I find someone else who will do it."
- "I've offered my wife everything from cruises to mink coats if she'll just go down and swallow, but she won't do it. That's why I do what I do."
- "My wife would never understand my fantasies. I'm too ashamed to share them with her, so that's why I cheat--I'm not so inhibitted with anyone else."
There was one guy I knew years ago who said that when he cheated, the fear of getting caught was part of the excitement of it for him. He said the rush was like just before an addict is about to take a hard drug--it is overwhelming. I asked him if it were like actually doing the drug, and he said, "Not like doing something like smoking pot. But definitely like shooting up--like slamming coke."
Drug and alcohol addicts are usually also sex addicts, or at least, serial cheaters. The addictive personality is easily addicted to the rush of endorphins we receive when we begin a romantic/sexual relationship with someone new. When the novelty of a new relationship begins to wear off, they have to move on to someone else who can give them their "fix." So in many cases, it's not necessarily the sex per se that the person is addicted to--it's the endorphin rush they get from the relationship, and the prospect of having sex.
Another aspect of that type of relationship that is important to consider is like I said, sometimes it's the prospect of having sex with someone new that the guy gets so excited about. Once he's conquered the new woman, much of the thrill is gone, unless she makes it difficult for him to be with her again.
So much with regard to sex is like a game for men. It is the challenge that they love. If it comes too easily for them, they don't appreciate it. They need to have to work for it.
The only thing I can imagine that might possibly keep a man like that interested is keeping some serious spice going on at home. However, even with that, I don't think that kind of man will ever be able to resist temptation. It's an addiction that they don't want to give up. They enjoy the rush way too much. They're like meth addicts, only worse!
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