Cheaters & Broken Hearts
Support for those affected by infidelity...
Blaming the Other Woman
The other woman--"slut," "whore," "homewrecker..." We've heard it all before, and some of us have even said things like that about the woman our spouses/partners cheated with. But why is that? Why do so many people blame the other woman? Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that it's okay to be involved with another woman's man. What I am saying is why are we blaming the person the cheater cheated WITH, rather than blaming the cheater himself?
Think about it. When you hear women talking about a man who cheated on his wife/girlfriend, what do they say? Okay, you might hear a little bit of, "That sorry S.O.B," but then they immediately focus on the other woman. "She's nothing but trash," "She's a low-life slut," "I heard she's been with every guy in town that'll have her," "She needs her a** kicked," "You wait 'til I get my hands on that little whore..." But why? How is it her fault that my man chose to cheat on me and break my heart? Why is it her responsibility to see that my man is faithful to me? Why does she owe that to me? SHE DOESN'T.
The woman your man cheated with might not even know about you. As you probably all know very well, men (and women, of course) don't always tell the truth. They say what will get them through the moment, with the least amount of resistance to what they want. If that means lying, they lie, especially when it comes to sex. "Wife? Kids? Who, me? No, I'm single!" They're not wearing a ring and they say they're not married, so are women supposed to know telepathically which men are married or in "serious" relationships? That's asking a bit much, isn't it? I've heard people say, "Well, you should Google anyone you're thinking of dating." Really? Okay, well, what if you do, and you don't see anything suspicious? When you meet a man you like, are you supposed to check marriage and/or divorce records? Come on!
I've been thinking about this issue for a long time because I'm amazed at the amount of hatred and rage that is directed toward the other woman. I've always heard it, but there was a moment one day when I was watching a TV show when it really dawned on me. They had a woman on this show who was in tears. She had recently ended a long-term relationship she had with a married man. He had made all kinds of promises to her. You know, the standard, "I love you, baby. I don't love her anymore and haven't for a long time. There's no relationship there. We haven't slept together in years, and I don't want her. I want to be with you. I'm going to get a divorce, and marry you, baby..."
This poor woman was crying, and was obviously devastated by what this man had put her (and his wife) through. I felt so sorry for her. Then the audience was allowed to make comments or ask questions! Wow! I couldn't believe the way they all attacked her! It was crazy! And NO ONE said anything about the affair being the fault of the cheater! It was all her fault, even though HE was the one who was cheating, lying, and breaking hearts!
One older woman in the audience stood up and with a very angry expression, said, "If I could get a hold of you, I'd pull your hair and scratch your eyes out!" She didn't even know the woman on the stage, but she wanted to attack her physically because she had fallen for, and slept with, a married man. The other audience members were saying things like, "Well, it's your own fault for being stupid enough to believe his lies," and "I don't care how much you cry! You got exactly what you deserved!" Again, she should've been psychic, and known he was lying to her, right?
Women know what it's like to fall in love, and to love so deeply, you make yourself believe things you shouldn't believe. Haven't we all been there? It's second nature to us--or, make that, first nature. We want to believe that the man we love is not a lying, cheating user. We want to believe it when he says he loves us and wants to marry us. We can imagine (if we haven't experienced) what it's like to be in a dead and loveless marriage or relationship, and want something better for ourselves, so why should we judge him for being in that kind of situation?
Maybe you're saying, "If you knew he was married, you should've never gotten involved, or if you found out later, you should've ended it." Duh! If only it were that simple. And you can say it is that simple all you want, but that doesn't make it so. When dealing with matters of the heart, nothing is that simple. When you fall for a man, it's very difficult, if not impossible, to be completely objective, and make good decisions.
Again, we're trying to make decisions based on what we think is true, when that information might be the farthest thing from the truth. We might decide to enter into (or continue) a relationship with a man we believe loves us, and is in the middle of a divorce, when he's actually going home every night to his loving wife, trying to get her pregnant! How can we know that?! Yes, it would be best not to enter into or continue a relationship with someone who is still legally married, but when your heart gets involved, what's best begins to get lost in the fog of love and passion.
The purpose of this article is not to condone having a relationship with a married or otherwise committed person. That's not what I'm doing. And it's certainly not to upset or anger anyone. I'd never want to do that. The purpose of this article is the same as the purpose of this website--to promote healing by understanding. If we don't see the other woman as an all-powerful, cold-hearted monster who eats married men and their families for breakfast, we might be able to see that they are just women who are in very painful, very, very bad situations. They made bad decisions, many times based on false information they believed to be true. They believed promises that we all want to believe--that someone loves us and wants to marry us.
Okay, there's actually a higher purpose for this article, which is to make women understand that even though the woman who has been intimate with your husband/partner might not ever be your friend, she's also not your enemy.
That woman didn't force your man to make the choice to cheat on you. No one put a gun to his head. HE is responsible for his own actions, including the one that has caused you so much pain. I'm only asking that you consider this, and that you put the blame where it should be--ON THE CHEATER. If your home is wrecked, it isn't the other woman that wrecked it. Your husband/partner is the "homewrecker." Don't let him off the hook by blaming his "mistress." He's a big boy, and he knew what he was doing. Again, HE is responsible for breaking your heart--not the other woman.
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